Today is August 30, 2014 and it was supposed to be my wedding day. I was planning a whimsical day of nuptials at Coney Island, with roller coaster vows, a food truck caterer, and a reception connected to the famous Freak Show theater. I was going to wear a polka dot dress, hold a bouquet of pinwheels, and forever give myself away to someone I love. All of that isn’t happening. Except the last part. That’s still happening, just not according to plan.
Earlier this year I canceled my wedding plans. Took back my vendor deposits. Took off my ring. This led to me deciding to separate completely from my significant other. To move out. To try dating someone else. To forget the last four years of our lives because things were broken. I thought they were irreparably broken. I thought doing something new and fresh would relieve my symptoms of monotony, frustration, unhappiness. I thought I would rediscover myself instead of continually sinking my own individuality for a relationship that wasn’t what it used to be. I thought it would be a breath of fresh air. In actuality, the last 8 months have felt like breathing while someone’s holding a plastic bag over my head. And as each day went on, the bag got a little tighter, the breath a bit more recycled, the will to try and carry on life in that way a lot less desirable.
I realized I was not satisfied with the current state of our relationship upon ending a wedding and long term commitment. But I also realized that I became significantly more destructive and miserable without him. And I learned that love doesn’t quit.
Love isn’t flawless, flaws empower and keep it honest. Love takes its makeup off at the end of the day, love bares it all: pimples, oily hair, stretch marks, tears, chipped nail polish, bad breath, smelly feet. Love is feeling on top of the world in your best outfit and lipstick, love is feeling next to nothing in sweatpants and a hoodie, and love is all those other in between moments. Love is #nofilter. Love is being offline. Love thrives in times of happiness, but doesn’t cower in times of distress. Love doesn’t care what those on the outside think. Love doesn’t stop unless it isn’t real to begin with. Love understands when mistakes are made, love understands when you slip away. The thing about love is it won’t let you forget what you abandoned. Every new situation you put yourself in, you compare, you analyze, you don’t feel 100% yourself. That’s because you left a bit of you behind.
Despite going through some very unimaginable things in a short 7 months that felt terribly long, I feel undeniably grateful that I found that little bit of me that was missing. And it was where I left her all along. He kept her safe, he kept her close. We just needed a new perspective, and a new approach to what was always there.
So today is August 30, 2014 and it was supposed to be our wedding day. He will be going to tech someone else’s wedding at his job (how ironic). Then we’ll be going to a lobster bake with my family. We will end the evening with cats and Netflix. It might be lacking the frills and finesse of what we had originally planned, but one thing will still happen today as originally intended: we will still say “I love you” and we will still mean it. And that is why I can’t be upset. Although I’m really pissed I can’t get a Nathan’s hot dog on the Coney Island boardwalk. You win some, you lose some — I’ll get over the hot dog. 🙂
I love you. Thank you for being my light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I’m glad we’ve found the surface, again.